12/20/19 .....

I am devastated but feel I should share the news...

The photos and words below have been copied directly from my Instagram because I can't bear to write them again.

This is why I have been so unhappy and needing "simple" in my life the past few months, because I KNEW this would be happening soon. 

How soon I wasn't sure, but soon...

And now it's happened.
My heart is completely broken and I'm not sure how I will be able to go on...
right now I'm just going through the motions of life.
The only solace I have right now is that he was 15 (perhaps a little older as we don't know how old he was when he came into our lives) which is the average life expectancy for a dog, so we know he lived a full and happy life.

"If loved could have saved you, you would have lived forever"

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It is with a shattered heart and through absolute gut-wrenching sadness that I share with you the news, that our handsome little prince is no longer with us.
David and I made the difficult decision to let him go yesterday afternoon.
He had been suffering from Spinal Arthritis for nearly 2 years and just recently been experiencing both bladder and bowel control issues and was living on pain meds, that didn't always work. I was hoping he'd at least make it to Christmas, but a couple of nights (in a row) prior to making the final decision Spotty had really bad pain episodes that made me realize that it was time; he couldn't live like that any longer, and it was unfair to ask him to.
Sure I could've upped his dosage but what kind of life is that especially when he couldn't walk without assistance any longer?
For those that don't know Spotty, he was a runner! Oh my God did he love to run!
And though we tried everything we could to keep him mobile: wheel chair, walking strap, us bending over him, helping him balance as he walked...pretty soon nothing worked and we eventually had to carry him everywhere.
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We loved him fiercely and Spotty loved us right back, just as much. Even in his final days I could see it in his eyes. What I also saw was a tired boy with a broken body, so I finally agreed to let him go. Even though it hurt like hell, we took our baby to the vet and held him, kissed him, petted him, and told him just how much we loved him as he took his final breaths.
But I'll be honest as much as I keep telling myself we did the right thing, besides being sad about his loss, I am also feeling overwhelming guilt. Even when it is the right thing to do, how do you get over the fact that not only is your pet no longer with you, but it's essentially your fault?
I have cried buckets today & have a feeling I will not be stopping any time soon.
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When he went, Spotty took a huge chunk of my heart with him and I seriously wish I had crossed with him because I truly dont know how I'm going to live without him.
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Rest In Peace, baby, my Spotty-Too-Hottie.
Mommy misses you SO VERY VERY VERY MUCH! 💔😭

12/18/19